Flowers live longer in a Graveyard

Sometimes, when you feel like you have found everything you realise it was, is and will never be anything. Some people make you feel as bright as thousands suns but, don’t you see that they also bring with them the potential of darkness that thousands suns couldn’t brighten. When you are with someone for so long, don’t you see that they become more fragile with each day? That so long can become no long and did you not see that? As it turns out, I stopped seeing after a while. I didn’t see it.

I have been wandering around aimlessly, looking for nothing in particular. Obviously, I was blind and I have been blind. One day I woke up and knew that I was blind and the knowledge ached my burning eyes. I now wanted to see something, anything. So I looked around. Frantically, desperately, endlessly. I saw nothing.

I was on a random bus which was headed somewhere I don’t know, I didn’t care. I was looking. And after a very long time, I saw something. Flowers, flowers in a cemetery. Have you seen this?

Flowers live longer in a graveyard.

I have bought flowers for someone, they die eventually. Someone has bought me flowers, I tried to render them but they die eventually. But, you place flowers by a grave and they live. They live longer.

Can death give someone life? Can death give someone hope? Or is it just death which lives longer? They come in all colours and you often wonder if someone places them here this morning. I got off the bus, I had to know.

I couldn’t touch them, of course I was terrified. But, I was happy. There were flowers around me. So, I wondered if someone placed them here this morning. But I looked around and flowers everywhere looked just as fresh and alive. Did someone place all these flowers today morning? That’s not possible is it? These flowers have been alive for all this time, I do not know how long.

Do these flowers live longer here than in my vase because someone tends to them? But who would look after flowers in a graveyard. Perhaps, it’s the hopes and dreams and love that they stand for. Can someone’s memory be enough to help you live longer… Can someone’s sacrifice make you stronger? Can someone’s absence make you grow fonder?

Perhaps it is in the state of mourning that one finds true solace in. When you love something, someone so much you often find them only when they are gone. And I would spend all my days in this state if it makes me feel the way it made me feel, in that cemetery. Do you think death could ever bring me happiness? I don’t mean death as in when someone does not live any longer. I mean death of dreams, and hopes, and relationships. Could the dead within make themselves live longer?

I wouldn’t know. I guess I am surprised that I hadn’t seen this before. But I knew in that moment, Flowers live longer in a graveyard.

Letter to the Best Friend

My Best friend and I are changing cities. She’s moving to Mumbai for a Degree in Fashion Communication. While I am moving to London, a continent away. This is just me pouring my heart. Its really sloppy, but hey cut me some slack. I am grieving with the move and all. So ignore this if heartfelt ode to a best friend isn’t your cup of tea.

Dear Best Friend,

So its understandable that life’s too short and there are too many people to meet. But, I am grateful to have met you. Its been short, our ride, 2 years of knowing someone has never been this insightful. It is amazing how comfortable we make each other and we can be at our worst when together. I can say a lot of nice things about you to you and make this all about the good times but no, I am going to do what I do best. Take the moment away.

I am sorry for all the times in life that you felt less because of me. I am sorry when you had to go through shit, which you otherwise wouldn’t have had to if I wasn’t in the picture. I am also sorry that I say awful things to you. I am always the one who yells at you, who picks fights, who drags you into mirror mazes when you absolutely hate them, pull you to social scenes where you feel awkward and shut up for eternity. I am sorry for all of this and more.

The truth is- between us- I am the talker and you are the listener. I am not all that good a talker but you are the best listener I have ever met. You listen to me. You take my advices you execute them and you imply them. Do you know how much that means to me? Its my everything. You, you make me feel important. You make me feel like I am something. You give a crap about me.

A lot of people mock us about the fact that you click me way too many pictures, which you do and I force you to. A picture to the world is when I post it on Facebook and we have a photography page that we haven’t really worked on. But the thing is that Pictures are our thing. Its not just the end result, its the process. All that planning, even on a train, all the clothes, all the logistics, the posing, the ‘be natural’ ‘don’t make that face’ ‘you want to jump?’ ‘Twirl around’ and then the picture selection, deleting 400 pictures and then me lecturing you about pictures like I know jackshit and then the final picture which you always think isn’t good enough. Its not just the picture, its us, how we actually do it. No one understands it like we do. I like helping you out with your passion, its so real. Obviously I am selfish, but I do it for you (and the 500 Facebook likes). You are good at it, you are going to be better with time. And then someday we’ll click pictures at each other’s wedding. However, at your wedding we’ll hire a photographer or I will focus on the wrong thing all over again.

I wish we could talk through our exam nights, but I do not want to jeopardise NIFT exams for you. I am actually very happy for you. We need to be out there you know? You’ll do really well. I have always told you make wrong decisions right? Let me tell you you are strong. Take all my advices, visualise them, take them in and just hell with them anyway. Because you are perfect and I believe in you. I believe in you like I am your family, like only I do. I believe in your talent and in your soul. Go get NYFA. Through it all remember me. Also remember to call me up because I might forget (Smile bitch). You make a nice Pillow and you are the world’s best driver. Remember the things I told you. The things I prepared you for because I am Mumma from day 1. 

The problem with going away is, the fear of the unknown. We’ve been attached to the hip through these 2 years. And then suddenly that won’t be the case. All over ‘outgoingness’ will come down to FaceTime (see the Mac joke). And I am just scared. I will miss you, dude. I always make jokes about going away and missing you and everything but god dammit it hurts. It’s going to be difficult with out you like only 11 kms away. The truth is, you’ve always been nice to me. Very nice in fact. And I’ve only been funny. I am sorry I took moments away because I hell need some right now. I should’ve always told you how much you mean to me instead of cracking a stupid joke. I hope you know that I am telling you now. 

You mean World to me. If there is a friends forever, I want to make it with you 🙂

Are you crying? Awh. Check under your bed. I hid a huge fluffy nothing! 

I love you and I will always remember you and I will miss you. I will see you ever year and we’ll continue being us in different continents. We’ll be fine, babe.

Yours,

Forever.

Letter to the Best Friend

Dear Best friend,

I have written 100 pieces like these and flattered you many times, but this is different. You must know that I love you with every fiber in my body. It’s not every day that you make best friends for life and it’s definitely isn’t every day when you meet someone like you. I am just very glad to have met you. I can this about all the ups and downs, and how we met and how crazy we are, but, I am sorry happiness, this is going to be serious.

So, I’ve been screwing up a lot lately, and you’ve always been around. And if we go our way, I don’t know how I will manage it anyway. In my living hell, I’ve in a small way hurt you; Made you doubt our legitimacy, and that by far it is my biggest mistake. I know, I don’t make you feel or show you what you mean to me all the time, but you know, I am wired that way. I’ve made this mistake with a million people, not showing them what they really really mean to me. I’ve lost a lot of people to ‘They loving me’ and ‘Me not loving them back equally’. Know that, I am trying to change. And I will start with you. You mean world to me, and you will always remain my best friend. So, next time I make a mistake and you feel like I have ‘multiple’ best friends, please read this. I am writing this in blood.

So, I’ve been thinking about how much life is going to change over the next six months. It actually scares me very very much. I always thought I was ready to leave the city and go out all alone and make my mark on this world, but, I am not so sure anymore. For one, I don’t know if I can and secondly, I don’t think I can be okay alone. And then it struck me that we will both be in two new cities. And I don’t know which cities they are. I wish there was a way to know if it were Pune, Mumbai or Delhi or some god forbidden place, so I could plan and procrastinate like I always do, but… Its dark, its blank. I am just so scared that you won’t live 127 steps away from my house.

In a year, weekends may not have you in them. In a year, selfies will change to Skype Calls. In a year, we may not exchange clothes we don’t have. In a year, that momos guy might wind up his little shop and open a big ass store and we might not effin own them. In a year, you may not know who I am dating and where it is hurting. In a year, we may start topping or failing classes but won’t be able to complain ‘Padhai nahi Hori yaar’. In a year, we may not always pick up calls. In a year, we may earn all the money we ever wanted but, may not spend it on each other. In a year, we may not meet at the compound. In a year, all of this may happen.

I need us to make a promise, that no matter what happens we will stick around forever. Because I got a feeling we have completed those 7 years of friendship psychologists talk about. Promise me that you’ll get into a medical school and open yourself a big ass hospital. I promise you I will do all the right things, be the sexiest journalist alive, be an IAS officer so your dad can make me do things and eventually, be the president. Promise me that we’ll make the right decisions and always keep our family close. Just promise me that you’ll take care of yourself when I am not around.
I will write a letter like this for every important moment in our lives.
First graduation, first job, first salary, Wedding, first kid, 75th Birthday.

Yours,
Best Friend.

Fire on a Deadline

There was a boy and there was a girl. They were like fire on a deadline. They burnt with a bright flame, all at once. Then they gave out, with a flash. They started out as a little spark in the middle of the night. They spoke like it were a new language. They only got good at it. Unending conversations felt like fuel with limitless ignition. It went on. Their flames matched. They burnt with the same intensity, similar colors. They gave out a light, light you want to feel, live. You see, they were dim individually. But, together they were so bright, you had to squint. They were beautiful together. That’s the thing about fire; it’s beautiful until you get too close. And, they got close.

They knew they were in for a ride. Rides that only crash; but it was worth it all along. It was a gamble, fiery gamble. Playing with hearts, not games. Their affairs weren’t a fire anymore, it was Inferno. It’s when the damaging begun. You know, they were bright, as bright as the sun. But, every world, every universe can only have a sun. Now, you put them together and they were never meant to be. Two suns speak different lights. They couldn’t live apart but they couldn’t live together. They were volatile, they set their lives ablaze. Its heart wrecking when lights go out. Can you imagine what it would’ve been like when they gave out?

I don’t know if he said it or did she, but someone asked, ‘Are we a thing?’

The other one replied, ‘We are fire, silly. We’ll eventually give out.’

Their flames flickered. Maybe they did not want it to give out. Their flames wanted to merge, be one. He was the light she needed. She was the flames he was missing. They would make the fire we talk about, you know? The fire that never gave out.

But, like I told you. They were Fire on a deadline.

Diary of The Unaccepting

‘Unaccepting’ is not a legit word, but it is the closest explanation of my existence as an entity.

Who is ‘The Unaccepting’?

Unaccepting is someone who sees what other people can’t. He looks beyond words, he belives the unbelievable, has endless faith on something that does not even exist. He fails to understand that nobility is rare, and truth rarer.

He is a criminal, hope is his crime.

Unaccepting is someone who is very low on Self-esteem. There are people out there who starve of faith and here he is overdosing on it. He believes everyone but him. He relies on everyone but him.

Unaccepting is someone who is Negligent. He neglects the fact that you don’t love him, anymore. He insists on seeing the good in you. He still wants it to work out.

Unaccepting is someone who is Damaged. He has been hurt over and over again. He still believes that there is some good left in this bad world. He still hopes that you will love him back. He hopes that he is ‘different’.

Unaccepting is someone who is Selfish. He fails to love someone who is immensely in love with him. He loves someone who shall never really be his. He loves challenge. He loves the wrong people, befriends the good.

Unaccepting is someone who is ‘Unaccepting’. He will just not accept that this is over. He will never stop believing in you, he shall still look for your silver lining. You tell him bluntly, rudely, hurtfully; but he will still not stop believing.

Unaccepting is someone. Unaccepting is me.

---

 

Dear Unaccepting,
Please accept it. Give up.
Yours reluctantly,                                                                          Future someone.