Tag Archives: Confusion

Flowers live longer in a Graveyard

Sometimes, when you feel like you have found everything you realise it was, is and will never be anything. Some people make you feel as bright as thousands suns but, don’t you see that they also bring with them the potential of darkness that thousands suns couldn’t brighten. When you are with someone for so long, don’t you see that they become more fragile with each day? That so long can become no long and did you not see that? As it turns out, I stopped seeing after a while. I didn’t see it.

I have been wandering around aimlessly, looking for nothing in particular. Obviously, I was blind and I have been blind. One day I woke up and knew that I was blind and the knowledge ached my burning eyes. I now wanted to see something, anything. So I looked around. Frantically, desperately, endlessly. I saw nothing.

I was on a random bus which was headed somewhere I don’t know, I didn’t care. I was looking. And after a very long time, I saw something. Flowers, flowers in a cemetery. Have you seen this?

Flowers live longer in a graveyard.

I have bought flowers for someone, they die eventually. Someone has bought me flowers, I tried to render them but they die eventually. But, you place flowers by a grave and they live. They live longer.

Can death give someone life? Can death give someone hope? Or is it just death which lives longer? They come in all colours and you often wonder if someone places them here this morning. I got off the bus, I had to know.

I couldn’t touch them, of course I was terrified. But, I was happy. There were flowers around me. So, I wondered if someone placed them here this morning. But I looked around and flowers everywhere looked just as fresh and alive. Did someone place all these flowers today morning? That’s not possible is it? These flowers have been alive for all this time, I do not know how long.

Do these flowers live longer here than in my vase because someone tends to them? But who would look after flowers in a graveyard. Perhaps, it’s the hopes and dreams and love that they stand for. Can someone’s memory be enough to help you live longer… Can someone’s sacrifice make you stronger? Can someone’s absence make you grow fonder?

Perhaps it is in the state of mourning that one finds true solace in. When you love something, someone so much you often find them only when they are gone. And I would spend all my days in this state if it makes me feel the way it made me feel, in that cemetery. Do you think death could ever bring me happiness? I don’t mean death as in when someone does not live any longer. I mean death of dreams, and hopes, and relationships. Could the dead within make themselves live longer?

I wouldn’t know. I guess I am surprised that I hadn’t seen this before. But I knew in that moment, Flowers live longer in a graveyard.

Inconsistency

Let’s celebrate the fact that my blog is now a year old. And I haven’t written since the last few days (okay, months.) I started this blog hoping I would create something vividly interesting, be someone’s reason to look forward to life, but alas, here I am, a giant writer’s block posting popular, deep and irrelevant poems just to keep the followers going.

The truth is that, I am Inconsistent. Inconsistent with reality, inconsistent with people, inconsistent with the pace of time; basically just lost. On some days, I am Julie Andrews from Sound of Music and then most days I am just Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection. It’s a feeling of impending doom that just won’t subside. You wake up every day hoping to achieve certain standards and then its 3 a.m. when you are blatantly staring at the wall. There’s this spirit in me that wants to do something but I lack the motivation to act on it. There’s this idea but I lack the resources to execute it. There’s this plan but I just don’t show up.

Inconsistency lies in the fact that I want to but I don’t. There’s no reason, there’s no trigger and there’s no way out. And it absolutely bums me out to have this sense of delusion with no rationale. I cannot call it depression or boredom or unhappiness or misery or dejection. But I feel depressed, bored, unhappy, miserable and dejected. Adjectives but no nouns. What is more inconsistent than the fact that I cannot explain it? I am caught in this circle of life where all I can do is wait. My life is supposed to change drastically but there no reaction-time. For good or for worse my life is supposed to change. Either way, the valence is all negative. And I stand to lose in every situation. Every time I play it in my head, it is inconsistent.

And if it sounds like my life is a mess, it isn’t. My life is practically perfect at the given moment. This makes it worse, because I am inconsistent with its perfection. What do I do if I stand to lose no matter what I do? Am I a bad person if I choose to escape? I am all over the place, confusing you like this. But you will understand me if you know what it feels like not to be good enough, to die ordinary, to be afraid of the unknown, to run out of patience, to wait for something you desperately want.

That echoed. Either you are inconsistent with my writing or you are inconsistent like me. And I hope it is the former.

Was it easy?

There’s a lot of questions I could ask you to determine why all of this, all of us went downhill. Because we started off happy and it had the makings of Perfect and in my mind I was framing up the Happily-ever-after. You looked happy too, through it all but today, you are no more the person I can talk to like we used to. Forget the 3 am conversations; today, conversations in the broad daylight seem darker than ever. I just want to know if this downhill route is easy after all, was it easy?

Was it easy to stop constantly replying like you used to? Minute after minute, word by word. How we had to talk about everything, and an hour apart seemed like ages. How did that just stop?

Was it easy?

Was it easy to just stop acknowledging me when clearly I was around and you were around. You used to think about me all day, and now maybe you don’t. At least you pretend not to.

Was it easy?

Was it easy to stop talking about movies and shows and trolls and all those private jokes. Because they are clear as crystal in my head but approaching them is just hazy. Did that humor just die when we got here?

Was it easy?

Was it easy to just block me out and start hanging out with new people? Enter new friend circles and make new mistakes without me telling you to take care.

Was it easy?

Was it easy to fall for someone else? To tell me about it, to make sure that I knew I didn’t matter and that I wasn’t what I think I was all along.  To show people their place is an interesting thing to do.

Was it easy?

Was it easy to leave without a mutual understanding and concluding the whole debacle for once and all? Never rob someone of knowledge, they said. But that’s exactly where we are. We always said honesty was your specialty and that you were different from the rest. You broke your word.

Was it easy?

Was it easy to actually lose me than us doing something about it? Was it not worth it at all because you claimed it was important and that I was important? You said we would know each other forever. So maybe you should have done something about it. But, you didn’t.

Was it easy?

After all this time, I just want to know…

Was it easy.

Disclaimer: Resemblance to any person, living or dead is purely co-incidental. Most of the readers will connect to this literary piece. It is purely fictional and not targeted to any particular person or object. It has almost nothing to do with the writer’s personal life.

Letter to the Best Friend

Dear Best friend,

I have written 100 pieces like these and flattered you many times, but this is different. You must know that I love you with every fiber in my body. It’s not every day that you make best friends for life and it’s definitely isn’t every day when you meet someone like you. I am just very glad to have met you. I can this about all the ups and downs, and how we met and how crazy we are, but, I am sorry happiness, this is going to be serious.

So, I’ve been screwing up a lot lately, and you’ve always been around. And if we go our way, I don’t know how I will manage it anyway. In my living hell, I’ve in a small way hurt you; Made you doubt our legitimacy, and that by far it is my biggest mistake. I know, I don’t make you feel or show you what you mean to me all the time, but you know, I am wired that way. I’ve made this mistake with a million people, not showing them what they really really mean to me. I’ve lost a lot of people to ‘They loving me’ and ‘Me not loving them back equally’. Know that, I am trying to change. And I will start with you. You mean world to me, and you will always remain my best friend. So, next time I make a mistake and you feel like I have ‘multiple’ best friends, please read this. I am writing this in blood.

So, I’ve been thinking about how much life is going to change over the next six months. It actually scares me very very much. I always thought I was ready to leave the city and go out all alone and make my mark on this world, but, I am not so sure anymore. For one, I don’t know if I can and secondly, I don’t think I can be okay alone. And then it struck me that we will both be in two new cities. And I don’t know which cities they are. I wish there was a way to know if it were Pune, Mumbai or Delhi or some god forbidden place, so I could plan and procrastinate like I always do, but… Its dark, its blank. I am just so scared that you won’t live 127 steps away from my house.

In a year, weekends may not have you in them. In a year, selfies will change to Skype Calls. In a year, we may not exchange clothes we don’t have. In a year, that momos guy might wind up his little shop and open a big ass store and we might not effin own them. In a year, you may not know who I am dating and where it is hurting. In a year, we may start topping or failing classes but won’t be able to complain ‘Padhai nahi Hori yaar’. In a year, we may not always pick up calls. In a year, we may earn all the money we ever wanted but, may not spend it on each other. In a year, we may not meet at the compound. In a year, all of this may happen.

I need us to make a promise, that no matter what happens we will stick around forever. Because I got a feeling we have completed those 7 years of friendship psychologists talk about. Promise me that you’ll get into a medical school and open yourself a big ass hospital. I promise you I will do all the right things, be the sexiest journalist alive, be an IAS officer so your dad can make me do things and eventually, be the president. Promise me that we’ll make the right decisions and always keep our family close. Just promise me that you’ll take care of yourself when I am not around.
I will write a letter like this for every important moment in our lives.
First graduation, first job, first salary, Wedding, first kid, 75th Birthday.

Yours,
Best Friend.

Longest Day of my Life

Is it just co-incidence that today literally is ‘The Longest day’? I mean, it might be few hours, but, seems like a lifetime. The extra hours I got, I am going to listen to this Playlist that ‘means something so much down in my heart’.

I am stuck on this decision I have to make…

Have you ever felt that feeling when right is wrong and wrong is right? I want something, and trust me, I know it is the right thing to do but what if he fails to see it? What’s more important, life or existence?

On the Longest day of my Life, (and of the northern hemisphere) I am going to listen to my heart. I going to listen to some music that never ends…

This is what it reads,

How would you know?
When everything around you’s changing like the weather,
A big black storm.
And who would you turn to?
Or hide a ghost, a shadow at the most, would you let me know?
Cause I don’t want to,
To trouble your mind with the childish design of how it all should go.
But I love you so,
But it all comes clear, when the wind is settled, I’ll be here, you know.

Cause you said ours were the lighthouse towers
The sand upon that place
Darling I’ll grow weary, happy still
With just the memory of your face

Gracious goes the ghost of you
And I will never forget the plans and the
Silhouettes you drew here and
Gracious goes the ghost of you
My dear

Gracious- Ben Howard.

Daily Prompts- Set For Solstice 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/set-for-solstice/

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