Tag Archives: Heart

Inconsistency

Let’s celebrate the fact that my blog is now a year old. And I haven’t written since the last few days (okay, months.) I started this blog hoping I would create something vividly interesting, be someone’s reason to look forward to life, but alas, here I am, a giant writer’s block posting popular, deep and irrelevant poems just to keep the followers going.

The truth is that, I am Inconsistent. Inconsistent with reality, inconsistent with people, inconsistent with the pace of time; basically just lost. On some days, I am Julie Andrews from Sound of Music and then most days I am just Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection. It’s a feeling of impending doom that just won’t subside. You wake up every day hoping to achieve certain standards and then its 3 a.m. when you are blatantly staring at the wall. There’s this spirit in me that wants to do something but I lack the motivation to act on it. There’s this idea but I lack the resources to execute it. There’s this plan but I just don’t show up.

Inconsistency lies in the fact that I want to but I don’t. There’s no reason, there’s no trigger and there’s no way out. And it absolutely bums me out to have this sense of delusion with no rationale. I cannot call it depression or boredom or unhappiness or misery or dejection. But I feel depressed, bored, unhappy, miserable and dejected. Adjectives but no nouns. What is more inconsistent than the fact that I cannot explain it? I am caught in this circle of life where all I can do is wait. My life is supposed to change drastically but there no reaction-time. For good or for worse my life is supposed to change. Either way, the valence is all negative. And I stand to lose in every situation. Every time I play it in my head, it is inconsistent.

And if it sounds like my life is a mess, it isn’t. My life is practically perfect at the given moment. This makes it worse, because I am inconsistent with its perfection. What do I do if I stand to lose no matter what I do? Am I a bad person if I choose to escape? I am all over the place, confusing you like this. But you will understand me if you know what it feels like not to be good enough, to die ordinary, to be afraid of the unknown, to run out of patience, to wait for something you desperately want.

That echoed. Either you are inconsistent with my writing or you are inconsistent like me. And I hope it is the former.

Was it easy?

There’s a lot of questions I could ask you to determine why all of this, all of us went downhill. Because we started off happy and it had the makings of Perfect and in my mind I was framing up the Happily-ever-after. You looked happy too, through it all but today, you are no more the person I can talk to like we used to. Forget the 3 am conversations; today, conversations in the broad daylight seem darker than ever. I just want to know if this downhill route is easy after all, was it easy?

Was it easy to stop constantly replying like you used to? Minute after minute, word by word. How we had to talk about everything, and an hour apart seemed like ages. How did that just stop?

Was it easy?

Was it easy to just stop acknowledging me when clearly I was around and you were around. You used to think about me all day, and now maybe you don’t. At least you pretend not to.

Was it easy?

Was it easy to stop talking about movies and shows and trolls and all those private jokes. Because they are clear as crystal in my head but approaching them is just hazy. Did that humor just die when we got here?

Was it easy?

Was it easy to just block me out and start hanging out with new people? Enter new friend circles and make new mistakes without me telling you to take care.

Was it easy?

Was it easy to fall for someone else? To tell me about it, to make sure that I knew I didn’t matter and that I wasn’t what I think I was all along.  To show people their place is an interesting thing to do.

Was it easy?

Was it easy to leave without a mutual understanding and concluding the whole debacle for once and all? Never rob someone of knowledge, they said. But that’s exactly where we are. We always said honesty was your specialty and that you were different from the rest. You broke your word.

Was it easy?

Was it easy to actually lose me than us doing something about it? Was it not worth it at all because you claimed it was important and that I was important? You said we would know each other forever. So maybe you should have done something about it. But, you didn’t.

Was it easy?

After all this time, I just want to know…

Was it easy.

Disclaimer: Resemblance to any person, living or dead is purely co-incidental. Most of the readers will connect to this literary piece. It is purely fictional and not targeted to any particular person or object. It has almost nothing to do with the writer’s personal life.

Wonderland

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I am going to the Wonderland.

My wonderland is not where Alice is. It is where no Malice is.

It is where people live for living and not for surviving. I am packing all my things, because Hey, I am going to the Wonderland. What do you think I will see?

Not riches nor gilded structures, not marble nor gems. I am going to see life. I am going to meet the Queen of hearts. I miss where I was, but I like where I am going. It is an adventure, travelling. Souls going place and some returning to where it all began. I could be going anywhere; it is the trip back that is the most interesting one.

I am tired; I need to be where I belong.  I am carrying an ounce of Hope.

Someone said, “Wonderland, this way. This is where Alice went.”

But, you know where my Wonderland is? It’s my home. It is where my heart is.

An Ounce of Home