Tag Archives: Decision

Inconsistency

Let’s celebrate the fact that my blog is now a year old. And I haven’t written since the last few days (okay, months.) I started this blog hoping I would create something vividly interesting, be someone’s reason to look forward to life, but alas, here I am, a giant writer’s block posting popular, deep and irrelevant poems just to keep the followers going.

The truth is that, I am Inconsistent. Inconsistent with reality, inconsistent with people, inconsistent with the pace of time; basically just lost. On some days, I am Julie Andrews from Sound of Music and then most days I am just Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection. It’s a feeling of impending doom that just won’t subside. You wake up every day hoping to achieve certain standards and then its 3 a.m. when you are blatantly staring at the wall. There’s this spirit in me that wants to do something but I lack the motivation to act on it. There’s this idea but I lack the resources to execute it. There’s this plan but I just don’t show up.

Inconsistency lies in the fact that I want to but I don’t. There’s no reason, there’s no trigger and there’s no way out. And it absolutely bums me out to have this sense of delusion with no rationale. I cannot call it depression or boredom or unhappiness or misery or dejection. But I feel depressed, bored, unhappy, miserable and dejected. Adjectives but no nouns. What is more inconsistent than the fact that I cannot explain it? I am caught in this circle of life where all I can do is wait. My life is supposed to change drastically but there no reaction-time. For good or for worse my life is supposed to change. Either way, the valence is all negative. And I stand to lose in every situation. Every time I play it in my head, it is inconsistent.

And if it sounds like my life is a mess, it isn’t. My life is practically perfect at the given moment. This makes it worse, because I am inconsistent with its perfection. What do I do if I stand to lose no matter what I do? Am I a bad person if I choose to escape? I am all over the place, confusing you like this. But you will understand me if you know what it feels like not to be good enough, to die ordinary, to be afraid of the unknown, to run out of patience, to wait for something you desperately want.

That echoed. Either you are inconsistent with my writing or you are inconsistent like me. And I hope it is the former.

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Letter to the Best Friend

Dear Best friend,

I have written 100 pieces like these and flattered you many times, but this is different. You must know that I love you with every fiber in my body. It’s not every day that you make best friends for life and it’s definitely isn’t every day when you meet someone like you. I am just very glad to have met you. I can this about all the ups and downs, and how we met and how crazy we are, but, I am sorry happiness, this is going to be serious.

So, I’ve been screwing up a lot lately, and you’ve always been around. And if we go our way, I don’t know how I will manage it anyway. In my living hell, I’ve in a small way hurt you; Made you doubt our legitimacy, and that by far it is my biggest mistake. I know, I don’t make you feel or show you what you mean to me all the time, but you know, I am wired that way. I’ve made this mistake with a million people, not showing them what they really really mean to me. I’ve lost a lot of people to ‘They loving me’ and ‘Me not loving them back equally’. Know that, I am trying to change. And I will start with you. You mean world to me, and you will always remain my best friend. So, next time I make a mistake and you feel like I have ‘multiple’ best friends, please read this. I am writing this in blood.

So, I’ve been thinking about how much life is going to change over the next six months. It actually scares me very very much. I always thought I was ready to leave the city and go out all alone and make my mark on this world, but, I am not so sure anymore. For one, I don’t know if I can and secondly, I don’t think I can be okay alone. And then it struck me that we will both be in two new cities. And I don’t know which cities they are. I wish there was a way to know if it were Pune, Mumbai or Delhi or some god forbidden place, so I could plan and procrastinate like I always do, but… Its dark, its blank. I am just so scared that you won’t live 127 steps away from my house.

In a year, weekends may not have you in them. In a year, selfies will change to Skype Calls. In a year, we may not exchange clothes we don’t have. In a year, that momos guy might wind up his little shop and open a big ass store and we might not effin own them. In a year, you may not know who I am dating and where it is hurting. In a year, we may start topping or failing classes but won’t be able to complain ‘Padhai nahi Hori yaar’. In a year, we may not always pick up calls. In a year, we may earn all the money we ever wanted but, may not spend it on each other. In a year, we may not meet at the compound. In a year, all of this may happen.

I need us to make a promise, that no matter what happens we will stick around forever. Because I got a feeling we have completed those 7 years of friendship psychologists talk about. Promise me that you’ll get into a medical school and open yourself a big ass hospital. I promise you I will do all the right things, be the sexiest journalist alive, be an IAS officer so your dad can make me do things and eventually, be the president. Promise me that we’ll make the right decisions and always keep our family close. Just promise me that you’ll take care of yourself when I am not around.
I will write a letter like this for every important moment in our lives.
First graduation, first job, first salary, Wedding, first kid, 75th Birthday.

Yours,
Best Friend.

Longest Day of my Life

Is it just co-incidence that today literally is ‘The Longest day’? I mean, it might be few hours, but, seems like a lifetime. The extra hours I got, I am going to listen to this Playlist that ‘means something so much down in my heart’.

I am stuck on this decision I have to make…

Have you ever felt that feeling when right is wrong and wrong is right? I want something, and trust me, I know it is the right thing to do but what if he fails to see it? What’s more important, life or existence?

On the Longest day of my Life, (and of the northern hemisphere) I am going to listen to my heart. I going to listen to some music that never ends…

This is what it reads,

How would you know?
When everything around you’s changing like the weather,
A big black storm.
And who would you turn to?
Or hide a ghost, a shadow at the most, would you let me know?
Cause I don’t want to,
To trouble your mind with the childish design of how it all should go.
But I love you so,
But it all comes clear, when the wind is settled, I’ll be here, you know.

Cause you said ours were the lighthouse towers
The sand upon that place
Darling I’ll grow weary, happy still
With just the memory of your face

Gracious goes the ghost of you
And I will never forget the plans and the
Silhouettes you drew here and
Gracious goes the ghost of you
My dear

Gracious- Ben Howard.

Daily Prompts- Set For Solstice 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/set-for-solstice/

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Someone Wake Me Up…

I have often told myself, ‘Don’t cry yourself to sleep’. But, no. No one is listening.

Here I am sharing this recurring dream I’ve had for like 4 years now.

Abandoned buildings or houses scare me to death. They remind me of isolation, desolation and Death. Death frightens me to levels I can’t even describe.

This dream of mine has been extremely disturbing because, I NEVER WANT TO DO IT.

It’s dark and I seem to walk towards daylight, like emerging out of a tunnel. I got my flip flops, jean shorts and a purple T-shirt on (Which is my favorite outfit, always). I don’t really see my face, but I am sure it’s me. It’s everything about that figure that reminds me of me. I am heading towards a deserted 4 storey building. It has been demolished, or burnt or ravaged… I am not quite sure. I make my way up the stairs; I swear I feel like I am reluctant to do so. I get up to the roof, and it is breezy, sheepishly windy. I make my way to the already tarnished ledge. I look down. It’s pretty much dark. I don’t know if I will ever touch the ground, dead or alive. But I am staring down, I see myself… Smile.

And, I am wide awake. I often jolt and sit up, its like I had to make a decision, and I just didn’t. I never jump off the ledge in the delusion (I hope I never do). It is almost surreal, I can feel myself losing my balance, tumbling into nothing. 

I believe my dream is symbolic. It stands for a choice. I often have this nightmare (if it is one), on nights that I am upset, sad or depressed. It says something to me, I still haven’t figured it out.

Next time I dream, Please, Someone wake me up…

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