Let’s celebrate the fact that my blog is now a year old. And I haven’t written since the last few days (okay, months.) I started this blog hoping I would create something vividly interesting, be someone’s reason to look forward to life, but alas, here I am, a giant writer’s block posting popular, deep and irrelevant poems just to keep the followers going.
The truth is that, I am Inconsistent. Inconsistent with reality, inconsistent with people, inconsistent with the pace of time; basically just lost. On some days, I am Julie Andrews from Sound of Music and then most days I am just Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection. It’s a feeling of impending doom that just won’t subside. You wake up every day hoping to achieve certain standards and then its 3 a.m. when you are blatantly staring at the wall. There’s this spirit in me that wants to do something but I lack the motivation to act on it. There’s this idea but I lack the resources to execute it. There’s this plan but I just don’t show up.
Inconsistency lies in the fact that I want to but I don’t. There’s no reason, there’s no trigger and there’s no way out. And it absolutely bums me out to have this sense of delusion with no rationale. I cannot call it depression or boredom or unhappiness or misery or dejection. But I feel depressed, bored, unhappy, miserable and dejected. Adjectives but no nouns. What is more inconsistent than the fact that I cannot explain it? I am caught in this circle of life where all I can do is wait. My life is supposed to change drastically but there no reaction-time. For good or for worse my life is supposed to change. Either way, the valence is all negative. And I stand to lose in every situation. Every time I play it in my head, it is inconsistent.
And if it sounds like my life is a mess, it isn’t. My life is practically perfect at the given moment. This makes it worse, because I am inconsistent with its perfection. What do I do if I stand to lose no matter what I do? Am I a bad person if I choose to escape? I am all over the place, confusing you like this. But you will understand me if you know what it feels like not to be good enough, to die ordinary, to be afraid of the unknown, to run out of patience, to wait for something you desperately want.
That echoed. Either you are inconsistent with my writing or you are inconsistent like me. And I hope it is the former.
‘Unaccepting’ is not a legit word, but it is the closest explanation of my existence as an entity.
Who is ‘The Unaccepting’?
Unaccepting is someone who sees what other people can’t. He looks beyond words, he belives the unbelievable, has endless faith on something that does not even exist. He fails to understand that nobility is rare, and truth rarer.
He is a criminal, hope is his crime.
Unaccepting is someone who is very low on Self-esteem. There are people out there who starve of faith and here he is overdosing on it. He believes everyone but him. He relies on everyone but him.
Unaccepting is someone who is Negligent. He neglects the fact that you don’t love him, anymore. He insists on seeing the good in you. He still wants it to work out.
Unaccepting is someone who is Damaged. He has been hurt over and over again. He still believes that there is some good left in this bad world. He still hopes that you will love him back. He hopes that he is ‘different’.
Unaccepting is someone who is Selfish. He fails to love someone who is immensely in love with him. He loves someone who shall never really be his. He loves challenge. He loves the wrong people, befriends the good.
Unaccepting is someone who is ‘Unaccepting’. He will just not accept that this is over. He will never stop believing in you, he shall still look for your silver lining. You tell him bluntly, rudely, hurtfully; but he will still not stop believing.
Unaccepting is someone. Unaccepting is me.
Please accept it. Give up.
Yours reluctantly, Future someone.
Is it just co-incidence that today literally is ‘The Longest day’? I mean, it might be few hours, but, seems like a lifetime. The extra hours I got, I am going to listen to this Playlist that ‘means something so much down in my heart’.
I am stuck on this decision I have to make…
Have you ever felt that feeling when right is wrong and wrong is right? I want something, and trust me, I know it is the right thing to do but what if he fails to see it? What’s more important, life or existence?
On the Longest day of my Life, (and of the northern hemisphere) I am going to listen to my heart. I going to listen to some music that never ends…
This is what it reads,
How would you know?
When everything around you’s changing like the weather,
A big black storm.
And who would you turn to?
Or hide a ghost, a shadow at the most, would you let me know?
Cause I don’t want to,
To trouble your mind with the childish design of how it all should go.
But I love you so,
But it all comes clear, when the wind is settled, I’ll be here, you know.
Cause you said ours were the lighthouse towers
The sand upon that place
Darling I’ll grow weary, happy still
With just the memory of your face
Gracious goes the ghost of you
And I will never forget the plans and the
Silhouettes you drew here and
Gracious goes the ghost of you
Gracious- Ben Howard.
Daily Prompts- Set For Solstice