Tag Archives: Distressed

Inconsistency

Let’s celebrate the fact that my blog is now a year old. And I haven’t written since the last few days (okay, months.) I started this blog hoping I would create something vividly interesting, be someone’s reason to look forward to life, but alas, here I am, a giant writer’s block posting popular, deep and irrelevant poems just to keep the followers going.

The truth is that, I am Inconsistent. Inconsistent with reality, inconsistent with people, inconsistent with the pace of time; basically just lost. On some days, I am Julie Andrews from Sound of Music and then most days I am just Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection. It’s a feeling of impending doom that just won’t subside. You wake up every day hoping to achieve certain standards and then its 3 a.m. when you are blatantly staring at the wall. There’s this spirit in me that wants to do something but I lack the motivation to act on it. There’s this idea but I lack the resources to execute it. There’s this plan but I just don’t show up.

Inconsistency lies in the fact that I want to but I don’t. There’s no reason, there’s no trigger and there’s no way out. And it absolutely bums me out to have this sense of delusion with no rationale. I cannot call it depression or boredom or unhappiness or misery or dejection. But I feel depressed, bored, unhappy, miserable and dejected. Adjectives but no nouns. What is more inconsistent than the fact that I cannot explain it? I am caught in this circle of life where all I can do is wait. My life is supposed to change drastically but there no reaction-time. For good or for worse my life is supposed to change. Either way, the valence is all negative. And I stand to lose in every situation. Every time I play it in my head, it is inconsistent.

And if it sounds like my life is a mess, it isn’t. My life is practically perfect at the given moment. This makes it worse, because I am inconsistent with its perfection. What do I do if I stand to lose no matter what I do? Am I a bad person if I choose to escape? I am all over the place, confusing you like this. But you will understand me if you know what it feels like not to be good enough, to die ordinary, to be afraid of the unknown, to run out of patience, to wait for something you desperately want.

That echoed. Either you are inconsistent with my writing or you are inconsistent like me. And I hope it is the former.

Someone Wake Me Up…

I have often told myself, ‘Don’t cry yourself to sleep’. But, no. No one is listening.

Here I am sharing this recurring dream I’ve had for like 4 years now.

Abandoned buildings or houses scare me to death. They remind me of isolation, desolation and Death. Death frightens me to levels I can’t even describe.

This dream of mine has been extremely disturbing because, I NEVER WANT TO DO IT.

It’s dark and I seem to walk towards daylight, like emerging out of a tunnel. I got my flip flops, jean shorts and a purple T-shirt on (Which is my favorite outfit, always). I don’t really see my face, but I am sure it’s me. It’s everything about that figure that reminds me of me. I am heading towards a deserted 4 storey building. It has been demolished, or burnt or ravaged… I am not quite sure. I make my way up the stairs; I swear I feel like I am reluctant to do so. I get up to the roof, and it is breezy, sheepishly windy. I make my way to the already tarnished ledge. I look down. It’s pretty much dark. I don’t know if I will ever touch the ground, dead or alive. But I am staring down, I see myself… Smile.

And, I am wide awake. I often jolt and sit up, its like I had to make a decision, and I just didn’t. I never jump off the ledge in the delusion (I hope I never do). It is almost surreal, I can feel myself losing my balance, tumbling into nothing. 

I believe my dream is symbolic. It stands for a choice. I often have this nightmare (if it is one), on nights that I am upset, sad or depressed. It says something to me, I still haven’t figured it out.

Next time I dream, Please, Someone wake me up…

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