Tag Archives: Funny

If my Weight were a Person

I am going through a really bad phase in life- boys, career, studies, future, blah, blah. It gets really messy if you ask me- Break ups and a broken heart. I’ve been losing too many people along the way and the world is such a sad place. So, I was sulking and suddenly, something hit me. Hit me like a truck.


…People come and go. Winning people is so hard and losing them, so easy. Think about all the exes and ex-best friends. They aren’t around anymore, are they? But, I am still fat. Like, why god why. Why can’t I lose weight like ‘Love the way you lie’?!

So, if my Weight were a Person…

  • He’d be my Boyfriend!

Duuuuh.. It would never leave me. He’s like Tyler Durden with Burgers. My weight, he keeps growing on me. Its romantic how we will never separate. Weight does two things every boyfriend must: Encourage Pizza and Discourage the Gym. But, he knows I’m unfaithful and it kills me inside…

  • I could break it up with him.

I am sorry, fat. I can’t do this anymore. I will heavy all the time and I don’t fit into any of my sexy clothes or sexy friends. We have to end it here. It’s not you, it’s me. *loses 10 kilos INSTANTLY*

  •  He could cheat on me.

Okay, this is the only case cheating surpasses, CLEAR? So, like normal relationships, like most people do these days, you could cheat on weight. VOILA! Weight will leave and guess who has ABS, baibeeeeeh.

  • Fall for someone else

This one’s my favorite. You could just tell weight, you like someone else. Like Size-zero, or um, Slim-fat or Diet-coke. Just be like, ‘Please forgive me. I’ve met someone else.’ *Just lost weight*

  •  Never reply to any of his texts.

I would stop replying to his texts, hoping that he leaves me, and maybe I could get into a god damn crop top. Thank you, last seen.

  • We could cuddle.

…That’d mean working out. Scratch that.

  •  Trust Issues!

It would be so hard trusting fruits, supplements, diets, work outs… Yes, I could lose my weight to trust issues!

…After a lot of thinking, I realize, maybe losing weight isn’t as easy. Weight is more faithful and loyal than most people are. It’s always been there for me, when people left. I love my weight. Love yours, too…

*HEY! Where’s my happy meal!*


Hey! I Don’t Like Coffee!

Yes, Yes. I know what you are thinking. 

‘How can you not like Coffee!’

Dear Daily Prompt, Thank you for giving me a chance to write about this. 

I am tired answering the question. ‘Hey! I Don’t Like Coffee’.

And, just because I don’t, I am not particularly weak. I don’t even understand why people are so fascinated by it. Even if they are, I don’t understand why they want me to be too! Since, I don’t drink coffee, I do not have a fair understanding about it. So when people talk about Espresso, Latte, Cappuccino, Peaberry, and names I can’t pronounce, I absolutely am out of the conversation. Personally, the coffee lingo is more like Elvish. I prefer Elvish to the coffee lingo.  

Also, it is so hot all the time. You are actually waiting half the time for it to cool down. It has this bitter taste all the time! No matter how much cream or sugar or milk you had, it is still Bitter and Brown (No, I am not racist). It messes with your sleep and your stomach. I love my sleep way too much. How can some brown liquid just mess it up like that? Your eyes are basically popping out. How can I miss the coffee stains? One wrong move and coffee everywhere. I prefer staying away from everything that I can spill. 

The age old question; ‘Hey, wanna meet up for Coffee?’ makes me awkward at any minute of the day.  

And, they never really get your name right at Starbucks.

So, while you stick to the over priced cup of coffee, I am going to pick my favorite Potion. Which is basically anything other than Coffee.

A glass of water, a coke, juice (but, I always want to get fatter), mock-tail, a pint of beer or a bottle of vodka (That’s not possible, I am underage). Anything, but coffee. 


Ek Ladke Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Laga

Ek Ladke Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Laga…

Pfft. Same old story.

You can complain all you want about the Indian Railways but, my fellow Bakwaas-is, it is the largest undefeated employer in the world and trust me, it could also be Shaadi.com.

It was nustling hot outside and tundra region indoors; because Indian Railways do not believe in Medicrity. It is either Journey to the center of the earth or ‘Mujhe zyada kapde pehne chahiye the yaar’. My humble point being, I really like Trains (there is a lot of Bakwaas en route) and I was on one!

It was the usual journey. Pune-Nagpur-: stinky platforms, Coolie No1, frantic people and blazing AC (if you got the swag). My mom had come to drop me off. The typical, ‘Paani leke aau?’ ‘Kuch khayegi?’ (Chill Indian Parents; seeing off your daughter 500 Kms away isn’t a Vidaai ceremony). She said, “Koi kuch de toh khana nahi”, “Go to the Loo”, “Chappal sambhal kar rakhna”, “Look after your bags” (Oh, Bags are more important than me, psst). Here comes the Killer.

‘Do not talk to Strangers’

And then, ‘He’ walked in…Tall, lean, broody, clean shaven, side parted silky shiny hair, Manchester United Fan, 2nd year Engineering student and eyes…*starts singing Blue eyes hypnotize teri, kardi hai menu* (Yo Yo Bunny Singh kabhi toh kaam aaya).


My ride (oops) was gonna be eventful. He settled in, my mom gave me the Death Stare *But Master, Dobby is innocent* Jhug Jhug Gaadi started. *Chal chaiyya chaiyya* (Excuse me for singing too much Bollywood).

He asked me, “Shall I keep my bottle here?”

I said, “Give me all you got, Baibeeh.” (Obviously, a simple yes would suffice.)

The usual, “Hi, I am Birdy.”

“Hi, I am the hot guy who makes you sing Honey Singh.”

“I am going to Nagpur.”

“I am going someplace you are really going to like.” (I swear my eggs died a little)

On Indian Trains, the guy with the Laptop is GOLD and so was he. He got really engrossed in his VAIO SVF1413x(Yes, I am very observant; it was only blocking my view). Also, on trains offering food is the beginning of a relationship. So I did. He ate my Biscuit! (OH YEAH!) We made some small talk, and Boo Yeah! He asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him. He picked ‘The Notebook’. (Really?)

He likes Rom-coms.

He likes gossip.

He was reading Filmfare.

He was listening to Akon.

I am Straight.

The stars weren’t as bright anymore. 16 hours with him and my fantasy bars were on a low. It was 11:45 p.m. and his phone rang ‘You’re my honey Bunny’. He excused himself, took the call.

‘Hi, Baby.’

The last straw.

Ek Ladke ko Dekha toh aisa laga, ab sona chahiye Yaar.